AMERICANS

VOTE TODAY 

OR WE GET SOMETHING LIKE THIS

WHICH WOULD ACTUALLY BE KIND OF COOL

A DRAGON FOR A PRESIDENT

WE’D BE PRETTY DON’T-FUCK-WITH-US

I MEAN THAT’S COOLER THAN NUKES

DIGIMON, DIGITAL MONSTERS

DIGIMON ARE THE CHAMPIONS

CHAAAAANGE INTO DIGITAL MONSTERS 

TOOOOO SAVE THE DIGITAL

WORLD!

Actually the alter isn’t that offensive.

But man, Armada Wurm really looks like a penis, right?

I hate alters. I mean, that’s pretty fucking obvious, what with the title and all. I hate so much about alters but most of all I hate the endlessness of them. Alters are eternal. They never cease. They continue to be vomited into existence at a rate that quite frankly keeps me up at night in a cold sweat.

However, I only have so much alcohol.

So on Fridays, I’ll be showing some faint shining lights of hope in the darkness, some gleaming bastions of good taste in a world otherwise flooded by pointlessly sexualized, horribly drawn and terribly stupid alters.

Today we’ll be looking at a card I actually quite like:

Jhoira has excellent character design and the art on this card is really lovely. She’s a strong lore character with ties to some of Magic’s biggest plots. It’s kind of a shame we don’t talk about Dominaria any more; characters like Jhoira, Teferi and, of course, Urza, were pretty awesome. Showing her popularity, there’s some pretty decent, original alters based around her.

I have a lot less of a problem with this kind of alter. It’s clean, doesn’t cover up any text and just enhances the original art. Her sword-arm could use a little more definition to match it better with the original art, but it’s not horrifically detracting or eye searing.

Same idea, a more simple implementation. I like that it’s difficult to tell there was further work done on this; a lot of expanded art alters you can very easily see the paint and I think it detracts from what should be a seamless, fluid card design.

I’ll be honest. This is badass. I don’t always like the way 3D cards come out, but the maker of this one did an excellent job. The depth is fantastically detailed and it’s so clean. I can’t get over the layers in her hair. I can barely even call this an alter, as it doesn’t change the card’s original design, it just makes it cooler.

.

.

.

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…hahaha yeah I can’t be positive for a whole post. HAVE SOME SHITTY JHOIRA ALTERS GUYS

BECAUSE THIS MAKES ANY KIND OF SENSE WHAT SO FUCKING EVER

I KNOW LET’S TAKE A STRONG FEMALE CHARACTER AND REMOVE HER PANTS AND HALF HER SHIRT FOR NO REASON AND THROW IN SOME FUCKED UP ANATOMY FOR GOOD MEASURE

I wanna suspend ‘em like they do in Shiv please

Exile ‘em, let ‘em bolt me, Timebug it baby, play EDH with me (I love it)

Luck and intuition play the cards with one drops to start

And after he’s gone oh and four I’ll make an alter with some shitty art

CAN’T READ MY, CAN’T READ MY M-M-MAGIC FACE

You know the sad thing about most of the alters featured here? I find them for sale. While you look at some of these eye-meltingly bad alters, add to your misery by realizing someone either thinks this is worth money or is actually buying it.

In this attempt to improve upon this already confusing card, the alter-er simply decided to go with a more iconic character.

EVERFLOWING WITH SHIT

Yes, actually, I have many problems with you, bad alter. One of them is why put a (crappily drawn) troll face on Karn? There are so many better Planeswalkers to use to provoke hatred. And Karn never trolled anybody! Dude was a pacifist!

This is so bad that I had to get my husband to confirm to me that it’s SUPPOSED to be a Pokemon. If it’s a Pokemon, couldn’t they at least have used the actual demonic hellhound?

That gargoyle needs some Pepto-bismal, unlimited access to a bathroom and to never eat at Taco Bell again.

This card causes in me the complete opposite of life gain.

Forget Modern Masters, THESE are why Goyf’s cost is going to plummet. People will realize it could instead be a sexy green chick showing off her bits, why would they want anything else?! 

The alter-er claimed this is not a replica or counterfeit card, which means they altered an original Force of Will. 

Force of Will sells for $50 on the low end.

excuse me while i just burn my wallet okay

oh my god this card is unsettling for so many reasons

  • the eyeless gaze of her blob face
  • the flavor text in context of the art
  • the organically pink background and its shape
  • the sexualization of THIS THING HERE
  • the faint outline of camel toe

That’s pretty much my face when I see these cards, fyi.

(I AM aware this is a parody of Mother of Runes but I don’t think that excuses that terrible art)

I guess there’s peyote in this Wasteland? 80’s Michael Jackson dragon-thing, you have nothing to do with destroy non-basic land!

Also, Wasteland is another card that starts sale price at $50.

Not only offensive to my taste but holy shit OFFENSIVE IN THE RACIAL WAY TOO. Urza’s Legacy was not THAT long ago!

Yeah. That last one is also for sale.

GIFT GIVING SUGGESTIONS FOR THE HOLIDAY SEASON, MY FRIENDS

is this a sexy squirrel token or a nightmare-inducing goat token? YOU BE THE JUDGE.

cos imma go drink

trick or treat, i got you some questionable boob physics

Apologies, today’s post originally went up without pictures for some reason. I’m actually more sorry that you actually have to see these terrible cards now.

I like a lot of Magic’s often terrible mythos. If New Phyrexia didn’t exist, I would not nearly be into Magic as much as I am. MtG’s world(s) is pretty massive - there’s countless planes, a huge cast of characters, over a decade’s worth of lore and a lot more.

But that’s just not enough for the ever-ambitious alter “artist.” 

I have pretty big problems with Bumblebee being on a black card and being a black card that implies, you know, MAIMING DUDES. But then again, I guess Michael Bay did pretty much ruin everything. He’d get along well with alter designers.

I will give this alter points for a subject fitting the card, for not covering up any important text and for having decent art.

BUT THE RUSSIAN JUDGE IS STILL GIVING IT -10 POINTS FOR BEING FUCKING DEADPOOL ON A MAGIC CARD 

This one is pretty much a gimme. This is Deedlit from the D&D campaign turned anime, Record of Lodoss War. She was pretty much the first attractive anime elf that any one paid attention to - she was a Pretty Big Deal in the 90s. Sadly, now she’s on a common that’s third tier draft pick at best.

I used to be My Little Pony’s targeted audience, back when I was 7 and back when the target audience was 7 year old girls. Now there’s bronies and I hate everything, but most of all this card.

WHY SILVER SURFER THIS WOULD MAKE A MEDIOCRUM OF SENSE IF IT WAS GALACTUS

My husband said it the best (while copiously weeping), “There already is a card called Juggernaut and IT’S NOT THIS CARD.”

I am going to do a huge post about altered lands, but this one just infuriated me so much I had to share right away.  WHAT ABOUT THE AVATAR, THE PERSONIFICATION OF THE BALANCE OF THE FOUR ELEMENTS, SCREAMS “SWAMP?!”

In honor of today’s monumental news of Lucasfilm’s acquisition by Disney, we’re going to look at a genre unto itself…Star Wars alters.

"Why is this a popular genre of alters?" You ask, confused.

It’s obvious! Because Star Wars, with its hi-tech, scifi aesthetic and Magic, with its flavor ranging from low medieval to high fantasy, clearly have a lot in common! 

wait what no

They have one thing in common and one thing only. They both have knights.

I have so many questions about this alter. Why put Han Solo on Venser’s card? Do they have something in common that I don’t know about? Who the hell thinks Han Solo is W/U? Does his ramp up mean Han shot first? Is this Han Solo suffering from George Lucas’s giant fat parasitic neck disease?

Let the wookie win, cos your photoshop skills ain’t cutting it, buddy.

they’ve activated akbar’s trap card 

Poor Leia, looking pensively to the sky and wondering to God why the “artist” couldn’t have spent as much time on her monster thigh, Tetris piece blaster or tentacle monster hands as he did on her boobs. 

Hahah, get it, Yoda is little so these have itty bitty bodies.

there is literally nothing i don’t hate at this moment

At least alter-ers are inclusive - here’s Whatshisface Starkiller from the Force Unleashed games. Gotta tell you, guy, I don’t think it’s worth it to counter a stormtrooper, there’s plenty more where that one came from.

Queen Amidadon’t.

Dude, nobody deified Darth Maul. He died in like five seconds and had a total of negative three lines in Episode One. There weren’t any other fitting cards for this guy? Were there too many sexy demon chicks lining up to be put on Vexing Devil?

I feel a special brand of hate when one of my favorite cards gets hit with the alter trainwreck. It’s worth nothing that a lightsaber would make a terrible fucking jitte; jitte are only like a foot long, every time you got into a fight you’d be getting a free laser hair removal session. (hello ladies and gentlemen by the way i am a little bit of a nerd)

"I play accidentally incestual swamp."

"Dude, we’re not playing Magic any more."

also once again

WHAT ABOUT THIS PICTURE SCREAMS “SWAMP?!” JUST BECAUSE A PICTURE HAS A BLACK BACKGROUND DOESN’T MEAN IT SHOULD GO ONTO A SWAMP IF YOU’RE GOING TO DO DUMB ALTERS AT LEAST TRY TO MATCH YOUR SUBJECT WITH THE MANA COLOR FLAVOR OR SOMETHING

oh nevermind

OH NO

MAGIC’S FAVORITE COUPLE MUST HAVE BROKEN UP

DAMN IT JACE THERE’S SO MANY OF YOU TO GO AROUND HOW COULD YOU BREAK HER HEART LIKE THIS

THOSE PANTLESS FAIRY LADIES DON’T LOVE YOU LIKE MISTY LOVED YOU